


Come Back Around

by StarTravel



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s05e16 Doctor Bashir I Presume, Genetically Engineered Beings, Identity Issues, On-Again/Off-Again Relationship, Self-Esteem Issues, Trust Issues, internalized issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-31
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-07-04 20:03:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15848397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarTravel/pseuds/StarTravel
Summary: Julian seemingly loses many things when his status as a genetically enhanced human is revealed. One of them just hurts a lot more than the others.





	1. Chapter 1

Julian can now say with some confidence that the truth does not set anyone free. At least not when that truth is that he shouldn’t exist, that he’s a project his mother and father made because their real son didn’t quite measure up to what they wanted. Julian sighs and wraps his arms around Kukalaka tightly, trying to hold on to some vestige of his life before. Before everyone knew he was a fraud. Before he did. Julian knows he’s being a coward; his closest friends haven’t changed how they look at him.

But when he goes to the replimat, he sees the looks of fear and disillusionment, hears the whispers of “freak” he shouldn’t be able to across the room. Suddenly all the food tastes curdled.

****

_“My dear Doctor, do all humans eat their food as … voraciously as you?” Garak asks as the ridges on his forehead lift up in an imitation of human shock, expression grim save for the mirth in his eyes. Julian let’s his arm dangle in mid air, spoon slowly lowering back to his pudding. He supposes he was eating rather quickly, but something about the way Garak says ‘voraciously’ makes heat spread through his cheeks. “Or is just because you’re starving from spending too many hours locked away in that infirmary of yours?”_

“ _I’m sorry I missed our last few lunches, Garak.” Julian tells him with a wide grin, glancing over at Garak fondly even as he tries to tease him. There aren’t many people in Julian’s life - here or otherwise - who’d miss him at all. Certainly not only after a few weeks. Garak makes him feel like there might be something to want about him, not just the gifts and skills that were implanted into him._

_“Don’t think anything of it, Doctor,” Garak answers back, and Julian doesn’t think he’s imagining the hint of fondness that he hears in his voice. Garak takes a sip of his drink as though to wash it out of his throat, glancing at Julian and then back down at his plate thoughtfully. “You just seemed hungrier than usual and I didn’t want to think Starfleet was overworking you.”_

_“I suppose you would know the dangers of hunger better than anyone, I’m sure there were times in the past where you had to go days without eating while tracking someone.” Julian wiggles his eyebrows in a way he knows is ridiculous as he takes a sip of his tea. Garak meets his gaze steadily, smirking a little as he slides his hand across the table. The edge of his nails brush against Julian’s hand and he suddenly has the odd thought that he’d like to feel them against his back._

_“Doctor, I have no idea what you mean.” Garak promises him as he gives his hand a light squeeze, and there’s something to the twist of his lips that makes Julian forgive every lie without Garak ever having to ask. Garak pulls his hand back and does a futile glance around the room, as though trying to figure out which glares directed his way are because of Julian’s words and which are just because of who he is. Then, as though that never happened, he turns back to Julian with a smile too wide to be real. “Now I think you were going to try and convince me to read something called ‘A Tale Of Two Cities’.”_

_****_

 It isn’t just the replimat that’s been lost to him though, but a sense of belonging. Julian hasn’t had a real home since he was 15 (and even before that, there was always an uneasy sense he was more of a prize than a child). Then he’d finally carved out a destiny for himself, a tiny bit of space where he belonged. And just like that, one mistake and it was all gone.

 Not _gone_ the way Julian expected, he hasn’t lost his license or been locked up to be studied in some institution where they’ll figuratively and literally pick apart his brain. Julian hugs Kukalaka a little tighter to him, pulling his knees closer to his chest as he swallows painfully. No, things aren’t nearly that dire. He still has his job and Starfleet, he never lost Miles at all.

 But things are different now. People don’t wave at Julian in the hallway as much anymore. There are patients who refuse to be seen by him and others who insist on it so they can size him up and try to find the tells that he’s not quite human. Cold stares every time he throws a dart at Quark’s. And this morning, he had to furiously scrub “Mutant” off his door before Miles could see and Tell Odo. He understands a little better now why Garak clung to that wire for so long.

****

  _Julian watches Garak’s face as the other man slowly comes back from sleep, lips twisting into a snarl as another wave of memories hit him. Julian can’t tell if they’re from today or from decades ago, if it’s the stares or screams of the Bajorans that haunt his lover. He’s too much of a coward to ask. Instead he brushes his fingertips along the ridges on Garak’s neck until the other man opens his eyes, still a bright blue even in the darkness of his quarters._

_“I can help you, if you let me.” Julian murmurs without explanation, but he knows from the way Garak looks away from him and out at the stars that he knows what Julian means. Julian let’s out a low sigh and curls further onto Garak’s chest, his other hand tracing constellations from earth into the skin of Garak’s arm._

_Maybe if he can put a little piece of himself into Garak, he can understand him better, know him the way Garak doesn’t want him to no matter how many times they end up like this together._

_“Not that I’m objecting, but I think you’ve already done plenty, my dear.” Garak says in a slightly raspy voice, resting his right hand rather pointedly on Julian’s bare chest. Julian snorts and brings his hand down from where he was still finishing Áquila in the crease of Garak’s elbow to bat Garak’s hand away, though he gives in rather quickly when the other man entangles their fingers together instead._

_“No, I mean I know some therapeutic techniques.” Julian whispers softly into Garak’s ear as he leans forward, a part of him afraid of seeing whatever emotion is swirling in those blue eyes now. Garak doesn’t say anything, makes no movement and Julian opens his mouth to further explain what he means when he finds himself silenced by soft lips pressing against his own. Julian melts underneath them, fight going out from him the moment Garak’s fingers scrape against his hair. Still, he can’t let Garak have the last word. “You can’t just kiss me to shut me up every time I say something you don’t like.”_

_“Trust me, if I did that you wouldn’t talk half as much.” Garak answers him with a smile that’s far too polite to be real, and Julian should have known he’ll never get the last word with Garak. Garak leans over and kisses his forehead, touch feather light before he pulls away and looks at Julian like he’s something precious. It makes his heart twist in his chest with the lie of it all. “Don’t worry yourself, Julian, I’ve survived my exile this far. I’ll keep surviving.”_

_“You have me, even if my face is smug.” Julian promises and he seals it with a kiss, too hard and long for this early in the morning, hands going back to trace the rest of those stars against Garak’s arms. He can’t - Garak won’t let him - offer anything but himself, so that has to be enough, he has to make it enough. If he can be good enough for Garak then maybe … maybe they won’t keep this behind closed doors anymore, maybe Garak will share truths with him, and maybe Julian can share his own too. Maybe neither of them will have to be lonely at all, if he can just be enough._

_“I thought you said you didn’t take anything I said then seriously.” Garak mumbles after a beat, tugging at Julian’s hair until he finally sits up with a low groan. He knows from the way Garak is looking anywhere but at him that he needs to leave soon, make his way back to his own room before anyone can wonder where he is or who he’s with. Julian swallows the bitter acid that makes rise in his throat, but it gets caught halfway when Garak speaks again. “But your smug face is far preferable to the other glances I get, Julian. Never worry about that.”_

_Julian could spend a 1000 years analyzing nothing but Garak, and the man would still never stop confusing him._

_****_

 And then there’s the fear. From others, sure. He can see the way people flinch when he moves just a little too fast, knows that Worf isn’t asking him to arm wrestle out of friendliness but as a test, and he sees the way even Jadzia’s gaze flickers away from him whenever the math he does in his head is just a bit too complicated.

 None of that measures up to his own fears though. He’s held them inside much longer - since he was a child - but everyone else seeing the truth, looking at him the way he knows he deserves makes them impossible for Julian to bury. Any day now he could wake up furthered changed, mutated, be triggered into another Khan. Julian used to try and convince himself he didn’t have it in him, that there was no Mr. Hyde lurking beneath his Dr. Jekyll.

 Then Garak asked him to shoot him and Julian knew that wasn’t true anymore, even if Garak didn’t.

****

_“Garak! What a surprise given that I didn’t even hear the door chime.” Julian calls as the other man walks into his living room like he belongs there - and God knows Julian wishes that were true -though he gazes at his couch as though it’s done something to personally offend him. Julian pushes the thought away and grins lightly at Garak, walking towards the doorway as though to block the other man from coming any further. His gaze is amused and desperate all at once when he meets Garak’s eyes. “But I suppose you have your ways of getting around a lock.”_

_“You’ve been avoiding me.” Garak answers coolly, voice lacking any of the mocking kindness Garak usually has when they play this game. Julian knows that isn’t a good sign and he doesn’t struggle when Garak pushes past him, too unsure where this is going to fight it. Garak has never treated him like something serious before and Julian has no idea what it means._

_“You’re being paranoid, just like a spy.” Julian finally mutters as he walks past where Garak stands in his living room, gaze impassive as Julian walks circles around him and wrings his hands. Julian swallows harshly when he feels Garak’s hand on his shoulder, holding him still and grounding him even when the thing terrifying him is Garak. Except no, it’s not Garak. It’s what Garak reminded him of. “Garak, we had lunch together a few days ago.”_

_“Maybe, but you haven’t come to my bed in three days,” Garak says plainly, though there’s a hint of a spark in his gaze for a moment that sends a rush of heat down Julian’s spine. Julian drops his eyes to the floor, and then looks back up, gaze locking on to the place where Garak’s shoulder met his neck. The skin is a mockingly smooth grey and Julian can feel his stomach churning._

_“Maybe I’m just not as insatiable as you think.” Julian rolls his shoulders, trying to dislodge Garak’s hand. He could pull away from him easily if he wanted to, could get away from anyone on this ship and isn’t that the scariest part of all? That if Julian … if he wanted to … no one could stop him._

_“At least tell better lies, dear.” Garak whispers against his skin as he shifts so they’re closer together, his lips brushing against the shell of Julian’s ear. Julian trembles under his touch, closing his eyes rather than face whatever he sees in Garak’s eyes. Julian knows he doesn’t deserve it without even having to look. When he finally does open his eyes again, Garak gazes at him like he’s a puzzle that he just found a new piece of. “You’re afraid.”_

_“Not of you.” Julian promises as he rests a hand against Garak’s cheek, giving him a smile that’s almost as weak as he feels. Julian can practically see the sigh Garak is holding in at that trust, the disappointment. But how could Julian ever trust Garak less than himself? Garak’s lies are all in stories, mere words floating through the air and evaporating into nothing. Julian’s are coded into his DNA._

_“Julian, I’m the one you shot and I’m still less afraid of you than I am of a tribble.” Garak scoffs as he rests a wide hand over where Julian’s rests on his cheek, smile a little softer than usual as he presses their foreheads together. He gazes at Julian with something Julian would almost think was trust, if he didn’t know Garak better than that. Still, it’s enough to put cracks in what’s left of his defenses._

_“You should ask Worf about tribbles, they can be very dangerous.” Julian murmurs against Garak’s lips, breath warm against the cool skin. Garak laughs, warm and bright and then they’re kissing, Julian’s fingers drawing the Big Dipper over where the bullet scraped Garak’s neck._

_****_

 Julian waits for more of Garak’s honeyed assurances and gentle touches, or for his cutting remarks but warm gaze as he teases, jealousy that Julian kept this much from him for so long mixed with pride that he was able to at all. Sometimes he even imagines that Garak will come and sit on the edge of his bed with a wry grin, as though he thinks Julian a fool for thinking he didn’t already know.

 Julian doesn’t expect this to be when Garak stops coming at all.


	2. Chapter 2

Garak watches Julian step into Quark’s, shoulders and pace stiff as he glances around the room as if searching out enemies. It fills Garak with a rush of pain and pride, to see Julian finally learning the lessons he’s been teaching him all these years. A part of Garak hoped he’d never have to learn. He’s flanked on either side by Dax and O’Brien, the former wrapping her arm around him encouragingly while O’Brien scans the room even more thoroughly than Julian did, one step ahead of his friend.

 Garak grins widely as he walks toward them with one arm out, gaze searching for Julian’s, for a sign that he’s ready for them to resume whatever their relationship is. Finally, after what feels like minutes, Julian meets his eyes, hands clenching into tight fists as he stares at him. Garak raises his hand out, only for Julian to turn around and walk out of the bar, not even looking back at Jadzia’s and O’Brien’s cries.

 Strange. Garak expected to see the doctor sooner than this.

*****

 “ _Doctor, I didn’t expect you so soon,” Garak murmurs in a lilting voice as he glances up at Julian, who walks through the doors of his cell with a blank face. Even his eyes are expressionless, and Garak can’t help but shiver a little at the sight. It doesn’t suit Julian, whose expressions are so honest even if the doctor isn’t, and he wonders how long the other man can keep it up. He smiles slow and wide at Julian, leaning back more against the wall and gesturing for Julian to sit down with him. Julian shoots him a dark look, gaze exasperated and Garak feels better already._

_“Trust me, Garak, I don’t want to be here anymore than you.” Julian tells him in a voice that’s practically acidic, gaze flicking down to the padd in front of him as though Garak isn’t even there. Julian walks over to him, stopping several feet in front of him, holding his tricorder out with his arm fully extended. Julian runs the tricorder over him with an air of clinical detachment and precision, and Garak can’t stand for that._

_“Somehow I doubt that.” Garak muses in a low voice, bordering on predatory as he gracefully rolls to his feet. He circles Julian, shifting closer as he comes to stand behind the younger man, breath hot against Julian’s neck. He doesn’t need to see his face to know that Julian is wincing, dark eyes filling with fond annoyance they both wish he didn’t feel._

_“Don’t, Garak.” Julian whispers in a tight voice, and Garak ghosts the palm of his hands over Julian’s shoulders. Julian shivers beautifully and then he twists around, gaze angry and scared and oh so very tired, but it’s certainly not bored anymore. Julian raises an eyebrow, eyes flickering down to where Garak’s hand is now resting on Julian’s forearm. I’m just here for your physical.”_

_“Odo told me you requested that I be put in the largest cell,” Garak says conversationally, smiling widely as Julian suddenly turns his gaze fully to his tricorder. For such a gifted liar, Julian was terrible at hiding anything. How convenient for him. Garak brushes his hand up Julian’s arm, the other inching toward his waist. Julian still makes no move to pull away. “How thoughtful of you.”_

_“It was my responsibility as your doctor.” Julian mutters as he waves the tricorder in front of his face again, a weak imitation of his earlier detachment. Garak slides the hand hovering over Julian’s waist to his hipbone, grinning a little more genuinely when Julian almost rolls his eyes at him. He’s missed this Julian._

_“Of course, far be it from me to question your sense of ethics.” Garak assures him as his hand comes to rest on Julian’s hip, the other sliding up to press against his shoulder._

_“But?” Julian asks in a low voice, hint of paranoia coloring his words as he presses his lips into a thin line.  His gaze flickers over Garak with an almost resigned disdain, and Garak’s not much sure if he cares if it’s for himself or for Garak. He expects the doctor to run, to pull away to the safety of the prison gates. But Julian, delightful man that he is, surprises Garak by taking a step closer to him, gaze at once heated and terrified._

_“No but, Doctor.” Garak promises in a honeyed voice as he grips his hip a bit more firmly, watching as Julian swallows a gasp. Always so receptive. Then he presses his mouth against the shell of Julian’s ear, words soft and decadent like his favorite poisons. “I just find it fascinating that you forgave me until it was your life I risked.”_

_Julian pulls back this time, expression blank for a moment as Garak waits for him to argue and rationalize. Instead Julian grabs him by the shoulders, touch clumsy and rough in sharp contrast to the soft lips pressing against his mouth in the sweetest desperation._  

*****

 “You! For you to abandon Julian right when he needed you after all he’s put up with.” Miles snaps in a heated voice, pressing his index finger against Garak’s chest, touch surprisingly strong. Miles gaze is heated, face scrunched up and his free hand balled into a tight fist. Garak smile grows a little wider, eyebrow ridges shooting up as his gaze grows curious against his will. What was Julian telling people?

 “Miles,” Jadzia says with a hint of warning in her voice, gaze tight as she glances between the two men nervously. Garak gives her a slight tilt of his head, smile growing a bit more strained as he meets her eyes. If Jadzia is visibly worried, something must be truly wrong with the doctor. Miles lets out a low groan, hands loosening their grip before he finally lets go of Garak’s shirt completely. His glare is no less searing though, mouth practically a snarl as he takes a step back. Whatever he thinks Garak did to Julian must be truly horrific.

 “Abandon? Why I haven’t abandoned the doctor.” Garak insists in both mock and real offense, gaze flicking between them as he purses his lips. Something is wrong with Julian, some piece of gossip or rumor that Garak hasn’t managed to piece together. Embarrassing, that O’Brien would beat him to it. Garak likes to think that he still knows Julian better, deep down.

 “You haven’t been to see him in a week.” Miles huffs as he crosses his arms, gaze narrowed with distrust as he circles Garak. Garak returns the favor, mimicking O’Brien’s motions in a way he’s sure irritates the other man. O’Brien makes a rough sound in the back of his throat as he finally stops moving, arms crossed at the same time Garak slides his own behind his back. So it’s because he’s been absent from Julian’s side and bed for a few days? Strange, normally the chief was _thrilled_ whenever Garak and Julian were apart.

 “You’ll note that he hasn’t been to see me either.” Garak reminds him in a pointed voice, smile as tight as his gaze. Garak would’ve loved to have his usual lunches and nights over with the doctor - they were just planning to discuss the _Downfall of Gheran,_ a classical text he thought Julian would especially hate. “And Julian was the one who said he wanted space.”

 “When?” Jadzia asks as she scrunches her eyebrows together, frown tight as she gives him a hard look. Garak quirks his ridges together, one hand coming up to press under his chin. When, not _why._ Interesting.

 “When his parents came to visit, he said he didn’t want me to meet them.” Garak answers with a low sigh, rolling his shoulders as though he’s the one who’s been wronged. Miles makes a low noise in the back of his throat, one that’s not quite a laugh but close. Garak turns toward him and gives a slow nod, gaze heavy as though he’s the one Miles is offended for. “I tried to argue, but he insisted it would go poorly.”

 “You did try to murder him six months ago,” Miles reminds him with a quick shake of the head, flexing his hands twice as he stares over at Garak. Garak opens his mouth to argue, because he didn’t try to kill Julian _specifically_. His lover was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, and if he forgave Garak, surely so could his family and friends. But before he can explain any of that, Miles holds his hands up with a quick shake of his head. Pity. “Well his parents left five days ago, so that isn’t much of an excuse.”

 “I’m well aware.” Garak assures them both with a wide smile, one he doesn’t even attempt to make reach his eyes. He’d heard about their sudden departure, early in the morning and ending with Richard Bashir locked away somewhere. Given Garak’s own loss and complicated relationship with his father, he’s not sure he could do anything but worsen whatever emotions Julian must be feeling for a father he didn’t particularly like. “Given the circumstances, I didn’t think I’d be the person he wanted to see.”

 “So you have heard.” Miles mutters with the same kind of disgust he reserves for poorly made Photon thrusters. Cold and disdainful, with just a hint rage. Garak thinks it makes him look almost Cardassian. “And you hate him just like those marrow-minded people who keep watching us play darts.”

 “Hate? I feel many things for our dear doctor, but hate is hardly one of them.” Garak promises in a soothing tone, smiling disingenuously even though his words are, for once, sincere. That most show in his gaze, some of the fight going out of Miles as he takes a step back. Garak gives him a slight nod of acknowledgment, turning his gaze towards Jadzia curiously. Who were all the others who suddenly hated Julian? There were certainly plenty who found him annoying or too much, too naive, but outright hate?

 Miles frowns as he circles Garak again, gaze torn between suspicion and curiosity. Garak doesn’t mimic him this time, because this is the kind of reaction he wants from the Federation. People have been far too trusting of him as of late, and Garak’s starting to find it insulting. “Wait, so you haven’t heard?”

 Garak resists the urge to roll his eyes, because as though there was any chance he hadn’t heard all of the gossip going around about Julian. He hears all the rumors about people he doesn’t even care about, let alone the people who are important or useful to him. “That his father is in prison? Of course, but I could hardly cast aspersions on the Doctor for that.”

 “ _Why_ he’s in prison,” Miles says in a voice that borders on exasperated, face scrunching up as he leans in again, as though he thinks Garak is purposefully messing with him. While that would be true on any other day, this time Garak isn’t at all. He didn’t look into the issue much past that Richard went to prison and quickly, assuming that was enough explanation for why Julian was being so distant and moody. He’d come for Garak when he was ready.

 “I assume for breaking some federation law.” Garak answers with an exaggerated shrug, both hands palm flat and up. Miles borderline growls as he turns away from Garak, arms crossed as he glances over at Jadzia and mouths something. She doesn’t look back at him though, her gaze locking onto him and taking on an analytical glint, one Garak tries to match even as confusion bubbles more and more in his chest.

 “It’s because of Julian.” Jadzia murmurs softly, gaze suddenly taking on an air of resigned melancholy, gaze dropping to the floor with something that borders on guilt. Garak raises an eyebrow, waiting for the punchline, because Julian is too good, too idealistic to have become a criminal or to let his father - even a father he hated - go to prison in his place.

 Garak tries to find possible explanations, answers that would explain this sudden twist in the story. For one of the few times in his life, he finds he can’t find any answers. Garak looks over at O’Brien and draws in a small breath, ready to admit defeat in whatever game they’re playing here. “What?”

 “He’s - he was genetically enhanced as a child.” O’Brien answers him after a pause, frowning tightly as he meets Garak’s gaze. There is steel in his eyes, a hardness that Garak recognizes from his own gaze. He’s not sure why O’Brien feels the need to protect Julian so fiercely in the same breath that he reveals Julian might not have ever needed protection at all, but he respects it all the same.

 “Yes, I’m aware, it’s been going around the ship for days.” Garak muses as his gaze flickers between Jadzia and O’Brien, waiting for a hint as to what that had to do with his father’s arrest. It was one of several guesses he’d had about what exactly made Julian a little too smart, a little too fast, to be completely human, though Garak isn’t too proud to admit it wasn’t his main bet. He’ll have to work on his skills, he might be getting rusty and that wouldn’t do. Jadzia and O’Brien are both still looking at him, like they’re waiting for some kind of understanding to don in his mind. None comes. “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

 “Being genetically enhanced is a crime in the Federation,” Jadzia says with a quick shake of the head, lips pursing as she gazes off into the distance. She looks torn, likely between her Federation and all the lofty goals it never quite lives up to, and her friend whose being punished for something he became long before he had any choice in the matter. Garak knows, at least, where his own loyalties lie.

 “I see.” Garak tries to keep his expression blank even as he feels his stomach begin to drop. Julian has grown up privileged and protected, even with his fears of being discovered. To have those privileges and protections at least partially stripped away, to be looked at as just a bit less of a Federation citizen than before, well Garak can only imagine how that would affect Julian. “How very backwards of you all.”

 With that Garak turns and works out of Quark’s, not bothering to listen to any questions or arguments that O’Brien or Jadzia might have for him. Though, for once he thinks he and the chief are likely in agreement about the Federation. How strange.

 Garak keeps walking until he arrives at Julian’s door, hoping he can ease some of the tension out of him. He’s done it before, in arguably worse circumstances.

*****

  _“That was impressive, Doctor.” Garak murmurs as he brushes a hand over Julian’s hair, just past regulation length and starting to curl along the edges. Julian presses back against him wordlessly, turning his head a bit so he can gaze over at Garak, lips pursed into a slight pout. Garak slides his arm more firmly around Julian’s back, ignoring the searing glare he can feel Chief O’Brien aiming at him the more he pulls Julian against him. Garak can’t blame the man; sometimes, more times than not, Garak worries about how close Julian lets himself get to him. He’d push him away if he wasn’t too afraid to find out when Julian wouldn’t come back at all._

_Julian blinks owlishly at him, eyes a bit too wide to be entirely natural. The exhaustion seeped in his face since Garak arrived at 371 is already fading away, despite the fact he’s only been home for a few hours and Worf and Martok are still locked away in sickbay somewhere. Julian never fought, that much is true, but he’s too thin, bones jutting out just a bit more. Julian should be weaker than this. Julian frowns, voice dropping a bit as he glances at O’Brien across the room before flicking his gaze back to Garak. “What? Me talking to you?”_

_“Martok told me you hadn’t slept for three days when we arrived.” Garak whispers softly into the curls on the back of Julian’s neck. He feels Julian stiffen against him, his right hand gripping the edge of the couch in sickbay, knuckles changing colors as though to match the ashen quality of his face._

_“Martok exaggerates, I’d slept as much as anyone can in a prison camp.” Julian mutters tiredly as he presses further back into Garak, twisting his head around so his lips are mere inches away from his neck. To anyone on the outside it would look like a romantic gesture, but Garak knows Julian’s doing it to make sure no one can read his lips. He’s taught Julian better than he thought._

_“But That isn’t the first time you’ve done that, is it Doctor?” Garak asks softly as he runs his hands over Julian’s curls, smirking into the locks when he hears Julian let out a soft sound of surprise. He doesn’t have to look at him to know his wide eyes are genuine this time. Garak shifts a little, brushing his lips over Julian’s brow before he speaks again. “There are plenty of stories of you going two or even three shifts in a row in the sickbay.”_

_“My duty comes before rest,” Julian says in a small voice, the tremor of fear behind it giving Garak pause. It’s been awhile, since Julian was afraid of him. Except no, from the way Julian pulls back enough just to look up at Garak with a gaze that borders on desperate, Garak doesn’t think it’s him who he’s afraid of after all._

_“If only everyone could have your dedication.” Garak murmurs softly, rolling over dedication in a lilting voice. He’s not sure what Julian’s secret is, a Vulcan grandparent or drug use or some other trick that makes his lover a little more than human, but he knows Julian’s ashamed of it. For the life of him, Garak can’t understand why._

_“If only.” Julian whispers in a voice that manages to be bitter and wistful at the same time. His gaze is far away as though he’s imagining a different world, where he doesn’t always think he’s the smartest one in the room and isn’t right about that at least half the time. Then Julian closes his eyes and lets out a sigh, limbs going slack in Garak’s arms. Maybe more tired than he let on._

_“Doctor, one more thing.” Garak murmurs as he lies back, pulling Julian down with him, the other man spread out on top of him, lanky body only slightly curled in on itself. Garak wonders when Julian started to trust him so much. Garak wonders what he has to do to change that. “You should be more careful where you throw your darts.”_

_Garak thinks about telling Julian that he should also be more careful about how quickly he moves, eyes snapping open and limbs wrapping around each other a little too quickly to be natural. But he decides that can wait until Julian’s ready to share whatever this secret is with him. “What?”_

_“You don’t want O’Brien to win all the time,” Garak says smoothly, pulling at Julian’s back until the other man lies back down, body slowly losing the tension that had starting building in his shoulders. Who would’ve ever guessed he’d be honest first?_

*****

 “Doctor?” Garak calls even as he presses his way into Julian’s room without an invitation, security override long memorized. Life was no fun if he couldn’t surprise people every now and then, after all.

  Garak walks through the doorway to find Julian on his couch, arms wrapped tightly around his legs and head sitting on his knees, something small and brown pressed against his chest. His hair is getting longer again, a five o’clock shadow on his face as though only there to extenuate the sharpness of his cheekbones and the matching circles under his eyes. He’s out of uniform for once, a muted blue sweater that’s two sizes too big and a pair of black slim black pants that somehow still manage to be loose around the waist. The colors don’t even clash and that makes Garak worry almost more than anything else.

 “Go away, Garak.” Julian mutters without any emotion in his voice, not even looking up from where he’s staring blankly at the white sheen of his wall. His eyes though, have a tell-tale sign of wetness, red around the rims now that Garak’s closer.

 “You look terrible.” Garak murmurs as he sits down on the other side of Julian’s couch, sliding one hand out toward where the younger man’s are curled up on the couch. Julian raises an eyebrow at him, mouth opening and closing in shock. Garak wonders if it’s because of his words or because he’s telling Julian he looks anything less than delectable. But then the surprise fades, blankness coming back as Julian closes his eyes.

 Julian pulls his feet back a hair, toes curling into the navy folds of the cloth, squeezing his ridiculous Kukalaka closer to his chest. Garak simply slides his arm closer to Julian, fingers brushing lightly against the hem of his pants. Julian opens his eyes after a moment, biting his lip as he looks over at him, a mix of fear and exhaustion in his gaze, the blankness from before apparently too difficult to maintain anymore. Garak hopes that’s a good sign. “And I told you to go away.”

 “Julian, you can’t keep pestering me about my secrets and not expect me to be curious when yours comes out.” Garak says airily, shifting on the cushion until he’s pressed up against Julian’s side. Julian’s sweater is surprisingly soft, material brushing up against his hands. Garak carefully slides one arm over Julian’s shoulders, fingers dangling close to the space where his neck meets his shoulder. Humans find it almost as intimate as Cardassians.

 “Right, I should have known.” Julian snaps in a crisp voice, long legs uncurling from underneath him and sliding them toward the floor as though he plans to rise to his feet. Garak tightens his grips on Julian’s shoulder, and after a moment Julian sighs and gives up trying to run, though the tension in his frame goes nowhere. There’s so much kinetic energy there, Garak expects him to start shaking. “I suppose you want to know just how much of a freak I am.”

 “Really, there’s no reason to be so melodramatic about this, Doctor.” Garak tuts in a soft voice, pulling Julian closer to him and feeling unreasonably pleased when the other man doesn’t resist.

 “Melodramatic?” Julian asks with an edge to his voice as he twists around, sliding his legs closer to Garak so their thighs brush against each other. He’s glaring at him now, the redness around his eyes fading a bit as it’s replaced with affront, lips forming into a pout. Garak smiles at him, soft and wide and reaching nowhere near his eyes, because this is a Julian he knows how to deal with.

“Is it really that terrible that we all finally know just how _special_ you are?” Garak asks as he slides a hand against Julian’s jaw, pressing their foreheads together so he can feel Julian’s uneven breath against his cheek. Julian closes his eyes for a few seconds, breath becoming a bit less erratic. Then he opens his eyes and they’re shining again, and Garak wonders if it’s terrible he thinks they’re even more beautiful like this.

 “I’m not special, Garak.” Julian answers him tightly, expression pinched as he tries to pull away from Garak’s firm hold. He doesn’t manage and Garak wonders if he could, if he wanted to. Not every augment has their strength modified, but how sweet of Julian to pretend for him if he has. “I’m the remnants of a stolen life.”

 Garak turns his head so he and Julian are eye to eye again, Garak holding Julian’s gaze steady. Julian swallows deeply, the hand that has come to rest at Garak’s waist trembling a little. “Stolen?”

 “Whoever Jules Bashir would’ve been, if my parents hadn’t decided to trade him in for a different model,” Julian explains without breaking eye contact, one hand squeezing against the arm of his teddy bear so tightly that Garak’s surprised it doesn’t rip in half. Maybe his strength really wasn’t augmented like Khan’s. Garak purses his lips, the image of the child who used to hold this teddy bear, whose parents decided he wasn’t enough, flashing across his mind like a ghost.

 And then Garak stills, hands falling slack for a moment. Oh, Julian.

*****

  _“I really am appalled by your lack of self-preservation instincts, Doctor,” Garak says with a hint of a sigh, running his hand down the length of Julian’s flank. The golden brown skin has a faint glow in the overbearing federation lights, one that almost makes them bearable. Julian raises an eyebrow and stretches his long limbs out lazily, as though they have all the time in the world and not just another 15 minutes. And that’s only if Odo was feeling generous towards one of them. Garak doesn’t point any of that out though, he just lies down on the ground next to his lover, hand coming to rest on right thigh._

_“Really? And here I thought you were taking advantage of it.” Julian whispers into his ear, voice curling around the word advantage like it was dirty as he slides his own hand down the smooth muscle of Garak’s chest. Garak lets out a low huff, the ridges above his eyes rising a bit as Julian’s other hand slides up his neck, brushing along each tender ridge to purposefully more and more threads of pleasure from him. Garak lets out a noise that borders on a moan, licking his lips as Julian looks up at him through hooded eyes._

_“Doctor, I’m hurt. We both know it was you who came here in desperately seeking me.” Garak reminds him as he squeezes his thigh lightly, the other hand coming up to gently trace the lines of his mouth. They don’t have time for another round, and in truth Garak would rather watch Julian, memorize the slim lines of his body and the way his laughter reverbrates around his lips. Garak has missed the few moments like this from before, stolen between shifts at the sickbay and Julian’s missions, limbs entangling lazily in one of their beds. There had been few enough before, this is the first since Odo locked him up four months ago. Only two more at least._

   _“Because you can’t leave this cell on account of trying to murder me, Captain Sisko, and god knows how many founders.” Julian reminds him as he runs his his hand down Garak’s chest, fingertips dancing nimbly around each ridge without quite touching any of them._

_“And yet you still come,” Garak says with a wide smile, raising on ridge as he brushes his hand up Julian’s thigh and up to rest on his hip bone. Julian curls closer to him, throwing one arm across Garak’s chest as he rests his head on his shoulder, body twisting around his like Garak’s little more than a pillow. Garak nips at the corner of his mouth as though in protest to the idea, earning a sharp laugh from Julian. But when he meets his gaze, Garak knows there is no smile in his own eyes, only questions he hasn’t yet brought himself to ask. “Why?”_

_“Because I’m just as naive as you think.” Julian answers with an easy laugh, warm and kind and so fake that it stabs at Garak’s pride. Does Julian really think he doesn’t need to do better than that? Garak tightens his hold on his lover’s hip, hands pressing down into the warm skin like a sear. Julian lets out an airy gasp, eyes wide as he stares up at Garak in a way that borders on affront, save for the flicker of lust in his gaze._

_“You’ll need to do better than that, Doctor.” Garak tells him with a teasing drawl, but there is no humor in his gaze as he pulls his hand away from where it was lingering around Julian’s mouth. He doesn’t understand how someone like Julian, so idealistic and self-righteous, can come here week after week for ‘medical assessments’ everyone knows are mere excuses for him to sneak Garak books and rumors, hands sliding across his body like salvation Garak knows he doesn’t deserve. Julian’s hands still on his chest, gaze suddenly a storm of anxiety and guilt and just enough hope to break Garak’s heart._

_“Because the only reason I’m here right now at all is because a six year old died,” Julian says quietly, gaze suddenly going dark as he shifts so his face is pressing into Garak’s shoulder. Garak swallows the questions rising in his throat and cards his fingers through Julian’s hair until he has to go._

*****

 Garak had assumed that Julian meant a child he worked with on Starfleet, a loss the doctor erroneously blamed himself for, or maybe a small mistake he’d spent a decade obsessing over. But of course it was even more sentimental than that, Julian turning himself into a swapling that robbed the true Julian Bashir of having a life.

 “Do you not enjoy being yourself?” Garak asks as he runs his hand across Julian’s hair, before letting it settle at the base of his neck. Julian looks up at him from where his gaze was locked onto Kukalaka, mouth pressed in a thin line and eyes more than a little exasperated.

 “Well, more than one person _has_ called me an annoying pest and smug.” Julian reminds him with a hint of a smirk, some of the playful fire Garak’s grown attached to coming back into his gaze. Better, Garak thinks as the other man leans in toward him, eyes sparking - and then just as quickly as they started, they stop. Julian flicks his eyes back down toward the bear, wincing a bit even as he pulls it closer to his chest. “Maybe Jules Bashir wouldn’t have been.”

 “Maybe not, and maybe he wouldn’t have been compassionate, loyal, and idealistic either.” Garak muses as he runs his hand over Julian’s hair again, up his neck and around until his fingers press against the edge of his jawline. Garak suspects that Jules Bashir was all those things, and stubborn and a bit immature and argumentative as well, but he knows they can never both be sure of that, so he says nothing. Garak won’t hurt Julian with possibilities they can’t know.

 “You don’t think any of those qualities are good either.” Julian grumbles as he glances at Garak out of the corner of his eye, a sardonic twist to his mouth as his grip on his bear loosens a bit. He shifts so he’s no longer looking at Garak, instead resting his head on his shoulder, body suddenly pressed entirely against Garak. He can’t tell if it’s from genuine affection or desperation to change the subject, or both. He’s not sure it matters.

 “No, but I know that I love you, and whoever you are is who Jules Bashir became,” Garak says as he twists around to look Julian in the eyes, for once dropping all pretenses of their usual games. There is nothing else but that, this man in front of him is all that’s left of the boy who never came back from Adigeon Prime. Garak hopes that someday maybe he can.

 “Especially the lies.” Julian murmurs into his ear as he leans forward, gaze a mixture of guilt and quiet relief, as though he expects Garak to look at him with the same disgust he sometimes aims at himself. Garak can’t, won’t, not when Julian has done and is nothing wrong, is instead more resourceful than Garak ever would’ve imagined. To hide something like that in Starfleet for so long was an impressive charade, even for the Obsidian Order. “You are curious, though?”

 “About how extensive your enhancements are?” Garak asks as he pulls back a little, eyebrow ridges raising in curiosity. He doesn’t want to ask until he can tell how Julian will react, but Julian gives nothing away, gaze suddenly far away and almost clinical. Garak sucks in a breath, not sure what he’s holding it for but knowing that it’s absolutely necessary. “I’ll admit I am, but -“

 “Everything, my intelligence by god knows how much since I can out calculate most of the computers on this ship, my reflexes, my hand-eye coordination, my hearing, limited control over my vital signs,” Julian lists off as if by rote, a bitter twinge to his voice as he stares down at his bear again. Garak wonders how many times Julian’s given this speech over the last few days. He wonders how not one of his close friends ever suspected anything. “What, you’re not going to flinch?”

 “No one would think anything of it on Cardassia.” Garak answers him with a roll of his shoulders, the hand resting over Julian’s giving it a light squeeze.

 Julian stares at him blankly, arms falling slack at his sides and Kukalaka collapsing over onto the bed with a soft thud. Garak watches the bear fall over and resists the urge to straighten it, instead glancing over Julian curiously. Julian moves toward him, gaze narrowed and mouth twisted, almost angry, as he climbs into Garak’s lap. It must hurt, to have his Federation’s prejudice confirmed. “What?”

 “Well, your age would’ve been a problem - bioengineering is supposed to be done in the womb - but otherwise you and your parents didn’t do anything, except make you a Julian Bashir who’s an infuriating genius who knocks his tea cup over in the same way a few too many times for it to be quite natural.” Garak assures him with a light smile he’s sure doesn’t reach his gaze. Julian’s mouth falls slack immediately, eyes wide as he stares at Garak. Then Julian lets out a sound that’s almost like a laugh, strangled as he closes his eyes.

 “You knew?” Julian whispers softly as he presses his head against Garak’s shoulder suddenly, a hint of offense in his voice. Then he pulls back enough to look at Garak, something painfully fond filling his gaze, almost enough to overwhelm the fear that’s been there since Garak game in the room. “What am I saying, of course you did.”

 “It was one of several guesses I had.” Garak tells him with a slight shrug, shifting them around a bit so he can look down at Julian’s face. Julian smirks as he grips Garak’s waist a bit tighter. There’s a brief flash of delight in his eyes, as though he feels like he’s got one over Garak just because he didn’t guess the specifics of where that brilliance and those reflexes came from. “You could be part Vulcan.”

 “If only.” Julian mutters as he starts drumming his fingers against Garak’s thigh, only to pull his hand back suddenly. The fear from before, mixed with an annoying amount of guilt, comes into Julian’s gaze as he starts to slide off his lap. “I understand if -“

 Garak lets out an tired sigh, grabbing Julian’s shoulders as he gives the young man an exasperated look. For a genius, his lover could truly be a stubborn fool sometimes. Then he presses his mouth hard and rough against Julian’s, reaching his arm down to grip the younger man’s hips and pull him stark against his chest. Eventually he breaks the kiss, and Julian presses his head into the crook of Garak’s shoulder, arms wrapping around his neck and hands clutching into the back of his vest. “I assumed you were going to ask if I wanted to stop this, so I figured I would just give you your answer.”

 “You know, my stamina was enhanced too.” Julian murmurs against his lips, gaze slightly hooded as his shifts forward, hands digging into the lapels of Garak’s shirt. Then Julian kisses him, soft and lazy, hands sliding up his chest to run along the ridges on his neck. It’s all very enticing, until Julian has to break the kiss to yawn loudly against his neck.

 “And I’ll certainly put that to the test in the future.” Garak promises as he presses his mouth to Julian’s again, soft and chaste as he gently slides the other man off of his lap and onto the couch next to him. Julian pouts, one hand still pressing against his chest even as the fight goes out of him. “But right now it seems what you need is sleep.”

 “I haven’t slept much, since it got out.” Julian admits quietly, as though to dark rings under his eyes and slightly slower than average movements (still just a bit too fast) don’t tell Garak that well enough. Garak brushes his hand over Julian’s hair, hands as gentle as if he were dealing with the most fragile silk from Bajor.

 “Dreaming of prison cells you narrowly escaped? Or maybe labs?” Garak asks with a wide smile, gaze locked on the way his lover stiffens a little, a small shiver going through him. So he thinks the Federation would consider both, even with all his romantic ideals. Garak wonders if he always has, or if his years at DS9 made him realize that the world was not as kind as he wanted to make it.

 “More like the icy stares of a few Starfleet officers and graffiti on my door.” Julian admits as he slumps half against the couch and half against Garak, some of the strength going out of him. He lets out another yawn, eyelashes fluttering as he struggles to keep his eyes open. He gives him a grin that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “But thank you for that, Garak.”

 “You get used to it.” Garak promises as he presses a kiss to Julian’s forehead, words soft and warm in the way only the best lies can be.


End file.
